Guess who’s back?
Actually, compared to the one I saw before, this one is smaller. And not as fat – he eats very daintily, just little chunks of dog food, one piece at a time. I think that once was Mom. This is little Billy.
After my wife went to bed, I went and looked out on the deck again, and there little Billy was again. And he was staring patiently at my relatively giant 90 pound guard dog, who gently nudged him out of the way so she could eat her dog food. Jesus, I hope no one’s got it in mind to attack me in my sleep tonight, because they obviously won’t be dealt with unless they’re standing in the dog food bowl as they do it.
POSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUMMMMMMMMM
(Think HR.)
I have just the loveliest recipe for Possum Stew.
1. You will need one dead possum that has been killed by an acetylene torch. This chars the fur and helps soften it up.
2. Spray carcass vigorously with WD-40 to disinfect and soften up further.
3. Before dressing and chopping carcass, tenderize further by beating it with lawn furniture.
4. Chop into cubes, pyramids, and dodecahedrons.
5. Put everything (including snouts and entrails) into a giant molybdenum kettle over an open grass fire. Add to kettle 20 gallons premium grade Blatz Beer, 2 cans of Crisco, cinnamon, chopped chives, diced danishes, and butterscotch chips.
6. Slowly bowl mixture for 36 hours, stirring thusly: stir-whip, stir-whip, whip-whip-stir.
7. Have your local monsignor or archbishop come and perform a purification ritual and blessing upon the stew. When the hour of the wolf arrives, add more beer and chives.
8. Let sit for three more weeks.
9. Now it’s done! Throw everything away and order a hamburger.