Oh God

I’m bundled up in a bunch of blankets writing this at the farm.
Oh God.
I just saw my horse die.
She’s been almost blind for quite a while, but here lately she’d gotten worse. The rest of the herd would leave her to her own devices and she’d circle until some outside stimulus could get her to move in a straight line toward or away from it. She’d always come to the sound of my voice.
I came up to the farm today to feed and saw she was circling, unattended, way the hell away from everyone else. She ran into the fence a few times and cut up her legs. Then she walked up on the earth dam and fell into the pond on the deep end.
She circled for almost half an hour, treading water, while I ran to get help; the guy who trains our horses happened to be working with the babies up at the barn, and I ran up there to get him to help. We tried to get out to Sultry in a boat to get a rope around her and lead her back to shore. Then the boat started taking on water (hence me sitting here without my clothes on, bundled up in blankets – I’m soaked to the bone). We had to get back to land and try to talk her to shore, but she didn’t make it. She got tangled up in something and started thrashing around and her head went under repeatedly. We started seeing legs kicking, but no head.
And then she stopped.
I’ve loved this horse since I first met her. She was supposed to be Jan’s horse. Then, of course, she picks me instead. I think it’s probably not much of a stretch to say I’m perhaps a little less overbearing than the rest of the family, so she gravitated toward me. Love at first sight. There were times when I’d have to be there for her to get shots, or an ultrasound, because she wouldn’t trust someone to do those things unless I was there. When she lost her last baby, she wouldn’t let the vet get close until I was holding her on a lead rope.
I thought maybe my being there would help her this time. But she was panicked, and too far gone.

I’m going to miss my horse.