No Place Like Earth
Earth was destroyed 15 years ago, after the solar system had been colonized as far as the moons of Jupiter. Bert, one of the last people to leave Earth for Mars, became more or less stranded on Mars, traveling between Martian settlements and repairing things for the locals. When the call goes out for men to colonize Venus, Bert is torn between his peripatetic life on Mars, which affords him both a living and leisure time, and the urge to rebuild a new world in the image of Earth. But it is only when Bert arrives on Venus that he learns that all of human history will play out in the building of this new world – even the worst parts. And if he starts a revolution, he may not be long for this, or any other, world.
adapted by Stanley Miller
from a story by John Wyndham
directed by Peter Potter
music by Norman Kay
Cast: Terence Morgan (Bert), Jessica Dunning (Annika), Hannah Gordon (Zaylo), Joseph O’Conor (Freeman), Alan Tilvern (Blane), George Pastell (Major Khan), Jerry Stovin (Captain of Spaceship), Vernon Joyner (Carter), Bill Treacher (Harris), Geoffrey Palmer (Chief Officer), Roy Stewart (Security Guard)
Notes: The works of writer John Wyndham would inspire many future genre productions, including the BBC’s adaptation of Day Of The Triffids and ITV’s Chocky series. Norman Kay also provided the incidental music for the first Doctor Who story, An Unearthly Child, in 1963.
LogBook entry by Earl Green
Cast: Alan Davion (Dr. Crawford), David Hemmings (Wescott), Charles Tingwell (Captain Jaffe), Peter Fraser (Donnie), Anthony Wager (Jensen), Keith Buckley (Scotty), David Savile (Gerry), Geoffrey Kenion (Dave), Barry Ashton (Frank), David Munro (Ken), Hedger Wallace (Commander), Lew Luton (Officer), Derek Martin (Guard)
Cast: Emrys Jones (Dr. Roger Full), Geraldine Moffatt (Angie), Elizabeth Weaver (Edna Flannery), John Woodnutt (Kelland), Ian Frost (Johnny), Alan Downer (Mallinson), John Dunbar (Mr. Collins), Catherine Kessey (Receptionist), Honora Burke (Mrs. Coleman)
An abandoned pre-war building is taken over by Ryan Electronics to serve as the skunkworks for a crash program to find and develop the electronic recording medium that will supplant magnetic tape. With its wartime history as a command post for visiting American soldiers, and an even longer history as a haunted house stretching back into the late 1800s, the building isn’t anyone’s favorite place. Some members of the electronics R&D team refuse to work there, and a visit to the pub reveals that the locals believe that any new secret project there is military (and hazardous) in nature. The sole female member of the Ryan Electronics team, Jill, experiences a vision in a supply room formerly used by the U.S. Army, catching a fleeting glimpse of a screaming woman, and project director Peter isn’t convinced until he hears the screaming for himself. Determined to debunk the hauntings so his team can get down to their real work, Peter decides to throw the team’s resources at the problem, using every kind of sensing and recording equipment at their disposal and regarding the sightings as merely misinterpreted data. Even though sightings continue, none of the group’s equipment manages to record any of it. After several further sightings, Peter becomes convinced that the sightings are a message recorded in the very stones of the building itself, a “stone tape” recorded by a massive output of psychic energy, though the haunting nature of the repeated sightings gives his team the uncomfortable feeling that the burst of energy was provided by the moment of the screaming woman’s death. Gradually becoming unhinged by an obsessive belief that the “stone tape” represents exactly the kind of breakthrough recording medium his team was sent to discover, Peter begins probing the room with UV light, lasers, and blasts of high-frequency sound, and eventually the sightings stop: his team believed he’s “wiped the tape.”
Tom Chadbon (Hargrave), John Forgeham (Maudsley), Philip Trewinnard (Stewart), James Cosmo (Dow), Neil Wilson (Sergeant), Christopher Banks (Vicar), Michael Graham Cox (Alan), Hilda Fenemore (Bar Helper), Peggy Marshall (Bar Lady)
Arthur Dent’s having a more troublesome Thursday than usual. For one thing, the local council has decided to demolish his house and several others with as little warning as possible, all to make way for a new bypass. To protest this, Arthur lies in the mud in front of a bulldozer which would, without his presence, destroy his home completely. And while that’s stressful enough, Arthur’s somewhat odd friend Ford Prefect chooses this very moment to come along and insist that Arhur must come to the pub with him and imbibe heavily, and somehow – according to Ford – the end of the world figures into the proceedings. Arthur reluctantly agrees, but regrets it soon afterward when he hears, from the cozy confines of the pub, the destruction of his house. But before Arthur can exact his revenge on the bureaucrats who made this all possible, he becomes one of the only witnesses to the destruction of the entire Earth – and the slightly bewildered recipient of a babel fish, courtesy of Ford. As it happens, Ford isn’t from Earth at all, and is a roving researcher for an encyclopedic electronic book known as the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The spaceship which Ford has managed to use to escape from Earth, with Arthur in tow, has a crew which isn’t from Earth either…and they’re none too pleased to discover that they have hitchhikers aboard.
Notes: Yes, that is future late night talk show host Craig Ferguson, trying to woo Lister to his doom. At this very early stage in his career, Ferguson was a rising comedy star in the UK, and he would have his first shot at writing and performing his own solo material for TV only two years after this Red Dwarf episode aired. Ferguson has recently made it his mission to expose American viewers to Doctor Who, inviting stars Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and Alex Kingston on his show. The only appearance by a Red Dwarf star on his show has been Hattie “Holly v2.0” Hayridge, in 2009.