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Next voyage…
I knew it. I knew it. It’s been percolating all day in the back of my head and I knew it – it would make a perfect classic Star Trek episode title.
Category: Funny Stuff
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Conversations with Little C, day 635
C: Daddy! [waves building block creation around] I got a block.
ME: That’s great, buddy! What else have you got?
[C disappears into his room, comes out carrying a squirmy Portia]
C: Daddy! I got a cat.
ME: Maybe she wants you to sit her down. What else have you got?
[C disappears into his room, comes back out waving a plastic chair over his head, narrowly missing computers and tables and cats with it]
C: Daddy! I got a chair!
ME: Woah there, Jerry Springer!… Read more
Conversations with Little E: Day 3191
ME: I’ve finally figured it out, buddy. Your little brother…he’s pretty much Indiana Jones. And you…you’re Daniel Jackson.
E: Daniel Jackson? Dad, what are you talking about?
ME [in a deep voice]: I will explain later, Daniel Jackson.… Read more
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A persistent vegetative state
I was going to do lasagna for dinner, then decided to do steak and veggies instead. I think the veggies turned out better than the steak, and the steak was nothing to sneeze at.
Which brings us to…how in the world did that phrase even get started? Has anyone ever deliberately sneezed at something? Is there some supervillain named Antihistaman whose evil superpower is precisely targeted sneezing? If he detects a bogey, does he launch a booger?
C’mon, people, we’ve got to find out. This question’snot going to answer itself.
P.S.: The second steak survived to be taken to work tomorrow for lunch, as planned. The veggies? They did not survive tonight. Um…plan B?… Read more
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Conversations with Little E: Day 3188
You know, son, back in my day, anime was wide-eyed folks doing good and occasionally forming up into giant robots…
ME: So…wait a minute. It’s called Yo-Kai Watch because…he’s actually wearing…a Yo-Kai…watch?
E: Yeah, dad. What did you think it would be?
ME: I thought maybe…it’d be like…I dunno…a tornado watch?
E: A tornado watch? Dad! That wouldn’t make any sense.
ME: And that way season 2 could be Yo-Kai Warning…
E: Dad! Just stop!… Read more
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Waking Up: A Horror Story
Dramatis Personae
- MAN – in his 40s, blissfully asleep, blissfully unaware of the horror that is about to unfold.
- PORTIA – an energetic five-year-old tabby cat, forever stuck in perma-kitten mode. Affectionate.
- PUCK – a seven-year-old black cat, possibly the laziest feline ever. Not slender, to put it charitably.
We hear the sound of LICKING. Fade in slowly, and slightly out of focus, from MAN’s point of view. PORTIA is the one doing the licking, and she’s licking MAN’s face.
PORTIA
Lick, lick, lick, lick…oh hi, you’re awake!
MAN
Mmmmmph.
PORTIA
I want you to get up and pet me! So I’m going to start kneading your bladder so you have to get up and pee. Then you can pet me!
PORTIA moves further away and begins KNEADING.
PORTIA [while kneading]
Need to pee yet?
MAN
Mmmmmph.
PORTIA [still kneading]
What about now?
MAN
Mmmmhmmmm.
PORTIA [still kneading, but obviously pleased with her handiwork]
Oh good!
There is a dull THUD and something completely blocks MAN’s view. (We are still seeing everything from MAN’s POV.) But we haven’t faded to black. This is simply PUCK, who has jumped onto MAN. And is now simply sitting there, self-satisfied and really unconcerned with what everyone else was doing, as we wonder what the
PUCK
Hi.
MAN [annoyed]
Hnnnnnnnhhhh. Gotta pee. Move.
PUCK doesn’t move. MAN can’t move.
PUCK
Hi.
HARD CUT TO BLACK as the last word echoes into the darkness.
MAN
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!
A pause, and then
PUCK
Hi.
THE END… Read more
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Staying put in Lilliput
How Gulliver woke up this morning:
How I woke up this morning:
The means of achieving upright status is basically the same in either situation. 😆… Read more
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Troubles hooting
At work, for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom, the factory in China gets to mangle our manuals, requiring me to fix them. Word files of the manuals come to us with either no spaces whatsoever between words, or spaces in the wrong places. Every so often, there’s a paragraph that has spaces in some of the right places, just to lull you into a false sense of security. And thus was entire work day for me turned into combing through several manuals and occasionally finding gems of Engrish hilarity.
…
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Well, there went MY plans for fun today
Had to start designing packaging for a garden hose adapter kit yesterday, and my instructions noted that product shots aren’t in from the factory yet, so “use placeholders“. Someone apparently felt the need to hand-write ‘don’t use porn to mock up the inlet nipple kit’ in the margin. Geez, do I look like I’m the biggest perv in the whole areola area? Oops. Sorry.… Read more
