I am that guy who couldn’t get into Breaking Bad

While the rest of the internet – or at least it seems that way tonight – declares a satisfactory end to the uncertainty over Heisenberg’s principles (ha!), I’m sitting in a corner over here doing my own thing. Not because I’m a TV hipster, mind, but because I have a confession to make: I tried, repeatedly, to climb aboard the Breaking Bad RV, and I just could not get into it. I read a news article earlier tonight about how flawless the show’s run was, and how we’re in the middle of a new golden age of TV, and… actually, come to think of it, a lot of the stuff that everyone’s been praising in recent years has left me cold or left me by the side of the road too. What’s going on here?

First off, contrary to how it may seem at times, my entire entertainment diet is not restricted to a single, speculative, fantastic genre. At least I don’t try to limit myself to that. Indeed, my favorite movie of all time isn’t even remotely sci-fi.

Roughly once per season, I tried to get into Breaking Bad. Why not? The thing’s supposed to be the smartest-written, best-acted thing that anyone’s put on our screens in ages, so what’s not to love? There’s nothing like a bunch of great actors with a great script slamming it so far outta the park that it’s in orbit by the time it passes over the stadium wall. With all the praise I’ve heard heaped upon it, Breaking Bad oughtta be the most addictive thing since… well… naaaahhh, not gonna go there, too easy.

And every time I try, I’m reminded of why I stopped watching The 4400 and Lost on a consistent basis, and why it was such a death march slogging all the way through those last two seasons of Battlestar Galactica, and why I just couldn’t get any further than the pilot with shows like Dexter.

There’s a term that’s been applied to quite a few horror movies in recent years that’s adaptable to my needs here. Movies like the Saw series are often referred to, not even remotely fondly but also not inaccurately, as “torture porn” – most of their “money shots” are down to gruesome effects shots followed by over-the-top reactions from actors who have made an art out of screaming.

My problem with a lot of stuff hitting the small screen, even though a lot of it’s very well written, is that it’s “angst porn.” Breaking Bad’s basic premise is that Walter White, an underpaid high school science teacher who once had a burgeoning career that made better use of his talents, discovers that he has cancer. With the clock ticking down, he decides to put his chemistry knowledge to use to guarantee his family’s future financial security by whipping up and selling methamphetamines. Of course, he finds that, having taken even so much as a single step into that world, financial security is suddenly the least of his worries. Now, speaking as a writer, my hat’s off to Vince Gilligan – that’s a fantastic setup that guarantees drama and danger and reversals of fortune aplenty. Nicely constructed.

And yet I just couldn’t get into it. Heaven knows I tried, because one does keep hearing rapt praise about the writing and acting and so on, but I’ve got to be able to latch onto the premise and stick with it. Every episode I’ve seen has been gripping, tense and a few were gut-wrenching. But here’s the trick: few of them were fun. I know that the plot parameters of Breaking Bad are more geared toward tension and paranoia, but I’m kinda crazy in that I need my entertainment to be… entertaining. I’m not expecting Breaking Bad to be a laugh a minute, but it’s hard for me to hang onto a show with any kind of affection when so much of it is geared toward suffering, fear, and rage. A movie is one thing – two hours and you’re done – but to keep going back week after week to see people put through the wringer… I don’t know. I’m getting a little bit too old for that.

Some of it is, admittedly, a bit close to home. Meth is practically the state rock of Arkansas (and, on alternating Tuesdays, it fills in as the state bird as well). I’ve seen acquaintances, old friends and former co-workers show up on the news because they were busted for using or selling drugs, or both, and it’s just mind-boggling, the relatively normal lives they’ve thrown away. And, not trying to make a sob story of it but simply being honest, we’re in enough of a financial bind on most days that it’s not hard having to imagine being in that position where one has to make a major life-changing decision, like Walter White has to when that last “other shoe” drops, when that last insult is added to injury.

And I think part of what keeps me from enjoying Breaking Bad is that, even then, I don’t think I could make the kind of “f@$% the whole rest of the human race” decision that Walter makes. And there’s nothing instructive in watching Walter begin that headlong descent into a hell of his own making. There’s not a glimmer of hope that he’s really seeking redemption at the end of the journey; by the end of the pilot, Walter knows he has set foot on a path from which there’s little chance of escaping. He is trapped by his own decision, and the entire series seems to be watching the inevitable results of that decision, and there’s little to admire about the man. (I’m not even going to get into his recruiting one of his students to join him on this journey, a betrayal of a sacred trust if I ever saw one.)

I know we live in dark times, and the antihero archetype is “in” again, if only because it helps some people purge their demons without actually doing what this guy on TV is doing. I also know there’s a high likelihood that I have a stick up my ass with regard to this show, but I need something more from my entertainment than “This guy chose badly, and will now slowly plummet into hell as the result of his poor decisions.” I need a shred of nobility, just a hint that maybe the hero of the journey is trying to turn things around for himself and those around him (or her). I need just a shred of escapism, a little bit of hope, and a sense of wonder doesn’t hurt either (which is probably why I am, in fact, so hung up on sci-fi).

After all, if I want darkness and paranoia, there’s always the news for that.

So there you go – that’s why I’ve never broken bad like everyone else. Kinda sucks, because man, I know Bryan Cranston can fire on all cylinders.

I just kinda need to be able to enjoy it when he does.