An open letter to Friday

Hi, Friday, I’m glad you came. Sit down, let’s have a talk.

Basically, Friday, I want to talk to you about this ongoing issue we have with you acting like Monday Part 5. This simply won’t do. This needs to be addressed immediately and a solution needs to be found.

First off: you are not Monday part 5. You’re not even really related to Monday. You guys aren’t even next to each other’s cubicles. In the average week, you should have absolutely nothing to do with Monday. You certainly have no business acquiring Monday’s bad habits.

Furthermore, Friday, you spend your whole day making me look like I don’t know what I’m doing – at work, at home, even putting gas in the car. I’m not exactly on top of my game today, since I’m still shaking off some nearly-psychedelic anesthetic from my visit to the dentist on Thursday, but why do you have to go acting like Monday, today of all days?

Thing is: I don’t brag on myself too much, but at work and at home, I’m a freakin’ rock star at this stuff that I do, if I may say so myself. When I don’t hit that level for even one day, people notice. You’ve spend all day, Friday, making it suddenly look like I’m some kind of world-class doofus. Thanks a lot.

If we can’t reach some sort of agreement by which this behavior will be discontinued at once, Friday, I’m going to have no choice but to replace you. I’m sure everyone here can nominate a replacement day they’d rather see filling this slot. The impact on the economy of having to reprint brand new calendars for everybody is going to be considerable. I ask you to think carefully about your reply. A lot is riding on your answer.