SAHD sack

A while ago I was going on and on about how Evan’s been here for a year now. As of today, it’s also been a year since I became a full-time stay-at-home dad. I’ve learned a lot of stuff in that year, and not just about how to change diapers.

One of the first things I did was look for online resources…only to discover that there are really only a few. I found one forum which could be a valuable resource, but the dads there spend at least as much time talking about homebrewing beer and recreational firearms use as they do dealing with “daddy issues”…which is fine, except it’s just not my thing. I’m not a beer-and-guns kind of guy – hell, I’m enough of a danger to myself and others when I’m unarmed and sober. 😆 On another level, it’s become very clear that, single-income stay-at-home dads or not, these guys exist on a whole other planet economically. They’re talking about what the best brand of HDMI cable is to connect their Xbox 360s to their 42″ HDTV. These things don’t even exist in my reality. *shrug* I do read the threads and glean some advice, but in many cases it doesn’t apply to my situation, and there’s just a fundamental disconnect between myself and what seems like everyone else there. Whether or not it’s due to a deficiency in my social life, my finances or what have you, the kiddo is my life, full stop. I don’t think any less of anyone who isn’t in that situation – hell, to some degree, I envy them. But again, it results in a disconnect.

There’s also something to be said for the area that I live in…well, it’s rural northwest Arkansas. Pretty much says it all right there. I’m pretty much guaranteed one of two reactions, or possibly both, when the boy and I venture out into the world:

My, what a cute baby.
You stay at home with the baby? You’re weird.

Especially in a rural area, we’re all so hardwired into dad working and mom staying home that there seems to be a natural assumption that something’s amiss if things are the other way around: dad’s either unemployable or just flat lazy. The concept that dad’s job had hit a rut where there was roughly zero opportunity for any kind of financial boost, and that mom’s federal job had almost infinitely better insurance, job security, and potential for increased earning, never seems to have occurred to anyone. But especially when dealing with guys, the thought that maybe dad wanted to stay home and raise his son seems alien.

Most men are hardwired to compete – it’s a bit of a throwback to competing for mates, or for leadership of the tribe, or what have you. What remains of that today is the practice of jockeying for a better position: it’s a society-sanctioned remnant of that competitive urge. A common question that men ask – and are asked – is “So what do you do?” Position and power are important. Anyone who has opted out of the rat race – for whatever reason that doesn’t involve already being so stinking rich that there’s a yacht or a golf cart involved – is flagged as an anomaly, someone who simply doesn’t conform to the way that most men relate to one another. (In that respect, me being a stay-at-home dad shouldn’t surprise anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever been accused of conforming to, well, much of anything.)

But again, there’s a gulf there that one has to reach across in order to understand and be understood, or at least to have a normal conversation and be taken seriously without being thought of as an oddity. And to be honest, striking up a random conversation with moms isn’t much better – since I’m a guy, there seems to be an automatic layer of suspicion on top of all of the other stuff I’ve just mentioned.

It’s not as if my life has ever depended on having a large social circle, but sometimes it’d just be nice to have someone to compare notes with, vent some steam, and to reality-check myself too – make sure I’m not completely out of line in my thinking on something. Too much time spent in a vacuum where feedback is concerned is what leads me to the “stuck in a submarine with a baby” feeling I often describe; even my wife isn’t always the best sounding board because, while she has more experience than anyone else with the kiddo, she simply doesn’t spend the same amount of time with him, if for no other reason than her work schedule.

But that all sounds like so much pissing and moaning; I’m under no illusions that I’m suffering grievous damage here. I have gained much more than I’ve lost. What have I lost? A crappy teevee news job? Let’s put it in perspective: tomorrow is election day, which would’ve meant, if I was still at 40/29, I’d probably be at the station until 4 in the morning on Wednesday. Instead, tomorrow I can hit the hay as soon as Evan does if I so choose, and without nearly as much complaining about the posting of election results. It’s altogether more likely that I’ll hear complaints about pooty pants, and to be frank, so much of my TV gig was about wiping people’s asses for them that it’s nice to have someone finally come out and say that’s what they need from me. 😆

Do I regret being a stay-at-home dad? Not for a moment. Sometimes I wish there was some company (over the age of 13 months, that is), but the 13-month-old company isn’t bad.